Infernal-Feline's avatar

Infernal-Feline

Constantly TiredTM
275 Watchers373 Deviations
60.8K
Pageviews

Update finally

3 min read
HEY ALL!

sooo finally an update. it has been a year (and a few weeks) since i started getting this treatment of cloned human and mice proteins
i just had my colonoscopy last week to determine how things are in my intestines
and the doc said we reached our goal, so the treatment's stopped now :dummy:
i am finally pulling my shit together!
im also sick of this job i have (the job itself aint bad, i barely do anything since most of the shit i had to do was taken away from me...), because of my sexist moronic piece of shit stupid ass boss.
and the fact that im here in my hometown for a year now with no social life and shitty internet doesn't help, so ive been looking at job offers back in the city so i can move back to my flat
i'll take that and paying my own bills over the lack of fucking everything here at home...
also started looking up cars again and i will save up for a honda jazz!
it's the biggest minicar with a bigger trunk than our opel astra ahahaah, not to mention the variability of the back seats and the fact that an adult bike fits into it without having to take off the front wheel!
so it will be pretty useful when moving, is all around cheaper cause it basically never fucks up! and is really low on petrol consumption too
it's fuckin perfect. :drool:

im trying to get back into drawing more too, i missed it a lot and it is high time i return to do something productive c:
also been listening to this goddamn awesome band and it makes me so happy you have no idea :'D

so yeahhh...
hard to think this time last year i was told they may need to cut out my guts....that i had nothing going on in my life...
but now? i have a (shit) job, saving up for a car for myself and my health is as good as it ever could be
things change, hopefully for the better tho!

oh also, i just re-read the last journal i wrote, i have good news! i have a new kitty! found her a few streets away when i was biking home from work and she's a cuddly fluffy naughty lil purrball :')

so yeah, that's all for now, hopefully i'll be able to submit something worthwhile again
see ya around!
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

so yeah

4 min read
things have been.... a bit shit. and a bit not shit. but mostly shit.

so let's see... my cat got shot at the beginning of september. she had a bullet pierce through her belly. this was on a monday evening. she was unusally loud about wanting to go outside while the sun was still up. my dad let her in not even an hour later, blood dripping from her right side. poor thing was in pain and meowed to us for help... i called a vet, took him like 45 mins to get here, gave her some meds and painkillers. we all thought it was just a bullet from an airgun. so the vet said she should survive the night. well guess what. she didn't. she died a long agonizing painful death. it has traumatized everyone in the family, but it hit my mother especially hard. she was her lil fluffy sleeping companion... she was up all night with her as she kept getting worse and worse, crying for help and literally crying tears of pain... we felt so guilty for it, because we thought we should have brought her to the animal clinic right away. but she may have not survived that way either...
and then we realised, this isn't our fault. so the next day we reported it to the police who took her tiny body away for autopsy. the police actually took it seriously for once, and now that the results came back, they're searching for people who might be owning a gun around the neighbourhood.

so i have a job now. yes, a real job for adults, not a student job. i wouldnt be able to get a student job anyway since i left the university ahahaha. ahahah. ahhaaaah. yeah. so.
it's not a bad place, i mostly translate shit to german and english which is good cause finally i can get back into practice with german yaaaaaaaay. there's also some logistics stuff i'm doing, helping out my quality supervisor colleagues with work, handing out salary papers, etc.
so it can be pretty busy.

and to that, my mother had this idea to get me a small car that doesn't use up much petrol. so we were looking around and stuff, my brother and his girlfriend helping out too... then i told my mother how i only want something for 2 years cause i'm getting the needed experience from this job and then i'm off to england.
guess what happened.
yeah, she threw a fit.
i haven't talked to her since sunday and it's already thursday.
seriously you would not believe the shit she, my grandmother, and my dad are making up...
i better not start listing them up, i'm stressed and angry as is...
just because i have an illness doesn't mean i should just sit at home all my life and not do things i love, things i'd like to do, explore the world etc
i dont want it to become something so crippling that will hold me back from living my life like i want to.
apparently my family would like to lock me up here so they can "take care" of me and at the same time throw shit in my face that they're taking care of me and i should be grateful.
like who do they think i am? i can see through that mentally abusive bullshit. it's so fuckin transparent. having the family together, my ass. more like having everyone jump at their every whim.
lots of people go to elderly homes and shit like that, they even volunteered some time ago. of course not at the same time. that would be too easy...

anyway, enough about my shit life. i haven't drawn much in the meantime.
i'm always so drained from work after i come home. mentally i mean. i feel so damn tired all the time...

so this wraps up today's episode of My life is shit. hope you enjoyed the show, we will be back shortly with another episode to feel sorry for me.
no but please don't feel sorry for me. what i need is encouragement before i finally give up on everything.
being so stressed out and tired really fucks with my body and i can only hope my intestines will remain calm after all this bullshit drama....
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
i just got my 4th treatment, and let me tell you. this shit works wonders.

i had an impromptu colonoscopy on june 4th (yes on my bday, what a gift!), right after i got my 3rd treatment. and the best thing about it was the real present i got. the results said my bowel's mucous membrane is 100% healed up and there are no signs of ulcers left, only small scars that are healing up. seriously, this was the best birthday gift i could have ever hoped for. there was still an obstacle which i had to tackle, a nasty infection caused by the bacteria that's called Clostridium Difficile. the doctors told me - and i experienced it first hand - that it's hard to get rid of since it's in most everyone's intestines and it always finds a way back after antibiotic treatments. so i had it for almost a year, it was probably the cause of my inflammation in winter too.

so after several treatments as it always returned, my doc finally came up with the fecal transplantation. yes you read right. i literally got shit to cure me. and the weirdest thing? i dont know if it working or having to get it through a probe up my nose and all the way down to my small intestines is the weirdest thing about all this. i got the stuff from my brother so of course you can imagine how the "i'll shit down your throat" and "was my crap tasty" and "behold my magic shit" jokes were neverending. :|

but hey, at least it worked, right??? :'D
so FINALLY. im out of the deep water. was about fuckin time. now only one question remains: what do?

i was looking for things to study still, but i soon realised i dont really want all that stress about completing shit on time, exams and all that bullshit. besides, i dont want to spend any more time in my country than is really necessary. i need to stay until march and then for some more months: until my treatment is done and then to see if things remain stable. so right now all i need is a job so i can finally break free from my family's clutches.
see, it's not that i dont appreciate them helping me, even if they think so, it's more about i dont want to have to explain my decisions and thoughts to anyone anymore. i'm sick and tired of depending on people, i want to be my own person. and if i fuck up, then so be it, at least they will be far away from me with their judging eyes. i know i'll never be good enough for any of them whatever i may do. i just want to escape from this toxic environment, for the good of my sanity AND my bowel's health...

thankfully i have found just the perfect escape who came in the form of my wonderful boyfriend. we have spent a lovely week together as he came to visit me all the way from england. and yes, i do plan to move to him later on, but also to visit him before that. and of course, for all this i need money.

but haven't found a job. AHAHHAHAHAHA.
so yeah i MAY be in need for some, so i guess im gonna open commissions... and holy shit i do know i need some stuff to do before that, like.... ACTUALLY GETTING BACK INTO DRAWING CAUSE HOLY HELL I HAVENT TOUCHED MY TABLET IN AT LEAST 6 MONTHS

so uhm yeah... >>;;;;

i guess that's it. ._.
im glad im finally back, i'll try to be active on here again especially by submitting drawings ahahah bear with me pls
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
who can guess where i was for 2 weeks?

in hospital.
if you guessed right, have a cookie. wasnt that hard tho.

got another 10 units of blood, that amounts to 20 in total, since august... but there's a situation now. since it's been getting inflammated periodically, the doctors had to think of... more brutal means to help me. they started scaring me with the high possibility of surgery. a surgery to remove my colon completely and either live with a stoma for a few months until they connect my small intestines with my rectum or do it all in one go. which would mean a huge deal since... well it's not a small surgery, as you can imagine. takes 4 hours to do and then im screwed for either years or months, depending on how long it takes for me to recover and the new colon made out of my small intestines to develop properly so it can absorb all the stuff a normal colon can. and then there's still no guarantee i'll get better, ever. and there's even a slight chance my colitis can turn into Crohn's disease which is an even bigger pile of shit...

but thankfully another doctor wanted to see me and he suggested a biological treatment for now. it's a medicine called Inflectra, it is basically made of cloned human and mice proteins that shut down part of my immune system that reacts to inflammation. so i got the first treatment, man, next day i was fine, like a normal person, had normal stool, but then things slowly sank back to bloody diarrhea with cramps. but hey, they got what they wanted, i'm reacting to it positively, so i'm getting the next one on the 15th. and by the 3rd one we'll see if it still works on me. if it does, i'll get this treatment for a year, every 8th week. if it doesn't.... then there's a high chance i'm not getting away with the surgery afterall.

honestly i'm scared shitless of it. i get teary-eyed every time i think of it and what will happen after... i'm not looking forward to lying in intensive care for a week and then having watery stool for gods know how long... and the lack of guarantee of an easier life once the new colon develops, IF it ever does, is really not convincing... so we're trying to think of the surgery as a last resort, because it really is that. still, if i get Crohn's, the inflammation could develop not just in my colon again, but all of the intestinal tract, also including stomach and MOUTH. THEN i'd be screwed...

so yeah, life is shit, had a huge falling-out with my mother before i got into hospital, she kicked out my friends from the flat so now we're all alone to pay the bills. not to mention she now needs to stay home with me at least for a month to learn to cook for me, with me. but i told her now that i have no income, she will pay the bills for the flat, cause i ain't gonna waste my own money on that. but we're fine now, i'm gonna move back home and only come back for a few days or weeks when i get the treatments or need to go back for check-ups.

so, don't expect anything from me really. i dont know what to draw, i dont want to either, my health takes up my attention wholly.
on the bright side, i got a smartphone, a Microsoft Lumia 535, with free 500MB/month mobile data for 6 months. which was quite useful in hospital to keep in touch with some people.
i also got an app for my illness, called IBD Tracker, which one of the doctors recommended. i can record the number of stools i have per day, how consistent they were and how much blood they contained.
i also have to keep an even more strict diet that a dietician recommended.

so yeah, my life revolves around getting symptom-free, but i swear i will do everything in my might to get healthy and hopefully avoid the surgery.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
so i made a promise to myself to pull my shit together and get my health on the top side again.
doesn't seem to go that smoothly, tho. when i came out of the infectology in november, things were good, up until now. i've been taking my pills, getting a blood test done just last week and inflammation levels were fine, no sight of an infection, yet i'm bleeding again. and these past few days, i've been having cramps too. gods the amount of blood that escapes me daily... why ;_;
i have no idea what's going on, but hopefully we'll know after tuesday's .... COLONOSCOPY. YAY. long time since i last had one (december 2011). but this time, i told my doctor i'm not going through with that unless they give me sedatives. fuck feeling that, it was the most horrible pain i've ever experienced...

and here i thought i was going to get fine this year. i mean yeah it only started, but i really want to be completely healthy again (as much as i can with an auto-immune disease) before i restart my IT school... i even started taking shroom pills that theoretically help.
they're dietary supplements. i do not blaze it. :P

so yeah, my main focus is to get better. i hate that it defines my life this much...

and yeah art-wise, idk. i think i'm stuck again. every time i sit down to draw i get easily tired of it, take breaks then get distracted for hours... i feel like i'm degenerating :I so yeah, don't expect much from me nowadays, i can't promise to have anything done...

i mean dude i don't even PLAY nowadays. i'm starting to get zombified here or something...
well anyway, that's all i wanted to tell.
PEACE OUT FELLAS
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Featured

Update finally by Infernal-Feline, journal

so yeah by Infernal-Feline, journal

sooooo im back, sorta by Infernal-Feline, journal

well there goes my health again by Infernal-Feline, journal

update, 2015 and stuff by Infernal-Feline, journal